My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
You Might Also Like
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
A drum solo but on your face.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Do one person every day that scares you.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.