My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”