My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.