I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms