My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]