*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
decorating my apartment
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…