So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
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I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Me at 16: She’s ugly.
Me at 21: She’s alright.
Me at 30: I’d hit that.
Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.