Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Canada has crack?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.