Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza