@skullpuppy11

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

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@JaneBadall

Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@BoomBoomBetty

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@Alex_Houseof308

Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?

Me: Sorry, did you say something?

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”