My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
fly smarter, not harder
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds