Microwaves should have a “Pfft” button.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?
*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
8yo: mommy how old are you?
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”