My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.


celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼


My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.


Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-


BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add


Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna