My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg