@LarrysTwin99
@Book_Krazy
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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@Book_Krazy
@Kyle_Lippert
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
@HenpeckedHal
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
@rachelle_mandik
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
@AlwaysAButt
a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one
@dreamthievin
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
@sixfootcandy
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
@WhatsAGreenhorn
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
@BlindChow
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*