My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man