@LarrysTwin99

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@Kyle_Lippert

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

@HenpeckedHal

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@AlwaysAButt

a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

@BlindChow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*