Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Camping tip: No.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

I can’t stop watching this.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth