My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Who says great literature is dead?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]