My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
More like Kate Missington.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?