I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out