My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Spell check is for lasers.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Erm…
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”