My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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Look at this
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂