My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You Might Also Like
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”