My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
She puts the hot in psychotic
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.