My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.