My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
You Might Also Like
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.