My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?