My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.