mood
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.