We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.
My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.
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me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing
bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh
me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Sorry were you talking shit about New York
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: “I really like this car”
Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”
Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”