My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.

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We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.


me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens


My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.


fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”


Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out


Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.


Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email


My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.


Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”