I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.