@Sickayduh

My cat’s tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I’m scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she’d probably kick all our asses in poker.

@_coryrichardson

me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens

@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

@PatsATweetin

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@RandiLawson

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

@JayCee302

Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”