They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You Might Also Like
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..