My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Bringing home a sharpie
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I just ran a .003048K
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”