If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets
Him: no seriously where is my insulin
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’m vegan until my next paycheck.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Murderer: I want to kill you
Me: No I’m against that
Politician who’s above partisan rancor: This is stressing me out, could you guys put your differences aside and come together…for our country,
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”