My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

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Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin


Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”


I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell


[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”


Murderer: I want to kill you
Me: No I’m against that
Politician who’s above partisan rancor: This is stressing me out, could you guys put your differences aside and come together…for our country,


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”


*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana


nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”