My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”