If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’d … I’d rather not.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….