@jackiembouvier
@krismuscookie
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
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@krismuscookie
@oigoabuya
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
@_wangwe
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
@mydudemybroski
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
@TheDeducers
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
@AndyAsAdjective
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
@Elizasoul80
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
@OhMattyBoy
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
@ChrisScarlette
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
@KickSumHunibuns
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish