My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken