@hotsnakes87

My check liver light just came on

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@3sunzzz

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@WilliamRodgers

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

@Brampersandon_

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this