@mom_ontherocks

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

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@TheMichaelRock

Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!

Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST

@thenatewolf

*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

@UnFitz

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@Insomnia_Land

Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??

@psybermonkey

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

@NikkiGlaser

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

@HenpeckedHal

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.