My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

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Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!



*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.


I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.


Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.


Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??


The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it


Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart


This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.