@mom_ontherocks

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

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@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@anbrll00

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

@lancshotlot

Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.

@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@longwall26

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@skittle624

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.