I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.