@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

You Might Also Like

@MissLeslieG

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

@lyric_intent

It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too

@ArfMeasures

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@krishna_van

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

@AimeeHelene1

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.