My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*puts cutlery down*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.