“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
You Might Also Like
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?