ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.