@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

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@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@Social_Mime

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

@Jazzzzzmina

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

@kelkulus

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!