My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!