My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
my first day as a raccoon
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.