Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”