@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

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@sozjalltheway

Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”