@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

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@StainsQueen

“Sorry, your item is out of stock. Would you like the item that is five times more expensive instead?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

@kieransofar

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?