My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

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“Sorry, your item is out of stock. Would you like the item that is five times more expensive instead?”


Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now


My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?


“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow


Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?