My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
this post was so formative to me
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.