My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
😂💯
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.