My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.