My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.