My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

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Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.


My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.


I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.


[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”


If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.


If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.