@TheNYAMProject

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

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@Rachelnoise

Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.

@WalkingOutside

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

@rcromwell4

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

@Darlainky

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@TheToddWilliams

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

@yazminda12

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.