My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just grow your own
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The days of good grammer has went
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT