My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
SF is the wild wild west man
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.