@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

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@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*

@_Prozach74

Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.

@hazelmotes1

I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@roywoodjr

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down