ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*
My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”
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Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.
I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down