@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

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@D_empiricist

Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂

@RodLacroix

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

@knot_eye

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

@LeonEarlgrey

This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race…
The Caucasians.

@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth