@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

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@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@Probgoblin

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

@wildethingy

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

@bacon_gillepic

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms