My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

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me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something


TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.


I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.


The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.


“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.


What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms