@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

- @burntmybagel

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@Spaced_Cowboy00

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

@sad_tree

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

@Mr_Kapowski

Why does the airport entice me and call it a baggage carousel if I’m not allowed to ride on it?

@vangobot

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

@gogglepossum

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

@krisv_723

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

@drinksmcgee

Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
Me: No.

@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

@Rikidus

Just Checked my voicemail. I forgot to buy milk 3 years ago.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho