Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
mmm onion ringos
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”