Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
それは草
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”