My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Feel. He’s so soft.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.