my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My dad is at it again
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?