My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Weirdos gonna weird.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.