My circle of trust is a meatball
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When you’ve simply given up.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?