My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
rise and shine we got egg
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.